Is it natural?

I’m not sure if it’s natural for a person to be as angry as I typically am? I’ve previously considered going to anger management classes because I used to break things and hurt myself, but I don’t do that anymore. Instead I just lie in bed all day imagining horrible things. Does that mean that it’s getting better? or does it mean I’m getting worse? Should I truly reconsider seeing some sort of guidance counselor or something because my blood pressure seriously sky rockets and I can feel it and it hurts… but I can’t stop because I’m so frustrated and angry. It doesn’t make any sense.

Act your age.

My whole life I was scolded to “act my age” as if the phrase meant to behave holder than how I actually am. Now that I’m almost 21, I haven’t had a chance to do that. I haven’t had a chance to actually act my age and my soul is slowly starting to dwindle. I feel like I’m 45 because I have all the responsibilities a 45 year old would have. I don’t worry about what I’m doing tonight or what I’ll be wearing; I worry about making sure my dad and sister have a ride home, or that they’ll have something to eat. I don’t worry about getting scolded for breaking curfew because I have no curfew; I worry about having to wake up early to drop off my brother at his stupid friends’ houses and getting home to make dinner or to drop off my sister at her athletic events. I don’t worry about what will be for dinner; I worry about where my next meal is coming from and if I’ll have enough money for food until my next paycheck. I am, however grateful that there are so many other things that I don’t have to worry about. But the one thing I absolutely hate for having to “act my age,” is that sense of adventure so incredibly high, yet I have nothing to do with it… I can’t do anything with it. I hate that I don’t get to stay out late for fun. I hate that I don’t have my own car anymore because that means I can’t hang out with my friends. I hate that my friends are all out drinking and having fun, or getting engaged/married and I’m at home worrying everything. I hate that I have to treat my sister like a daughter because I would so much rather be her sister. I hate that I literally sat in the car crying for an hour at 5 a.m. in order to relieve some of my frustration from these concerns. I hate that my friends no longer invite me to things because they THINK I won’t have fun (so why invite me, right?). Most of all, because of these responsibilities, I hate that people think I’m so accomplished and responsible…. Because I have to be these things at home that I don’t want to be to my friends. Because 10x more is expected from me when 10x less is all I have. And because it is a constant reminder at how much I’ve failed to please my family and myself. Now that I’ve “acted my age” for my entire life, I would really enjoy getting arrested by the cops, or going to another country with absolutely no money. So, can I REALLY act my age right now? Or do I have to “act my age” to prove I’m mature enough?

LITERALLY, THIS JUST HAPPENED.

MY MOM FUCKING JUST TOLD ME TO GET ANOTHER JOB

so you know what I told her..? I told her to TELL HER FUCKING SON TO GET A JOB — ANY JOB. BECAUSE HE’S NOT PAYING FOR HIS SCHOOL, HIS FLIGHTS, HIS FOOD, GAS, CAR REPAIRS, ANYTHING AT ALL AND HE DOESN’T HAVE A SINGLE JOB. HE’S NEVER HAD A SINGLE JOB.

FUCK THIS. I’m never good enough. Honestly, I should just die because what the fuck is my purpose in life?! NOTHING. FUCK. THIS. BULL SHIT.

I need to move the fuck out of this house. I need a roommate.

If you’ve been paying attention to the news, the U.S. Federal Government has been holding meetings to allow Hawaiʻi residents to share their thoughts on federal recognition on the Kingdom of Hawaiʻi. Personally, I don’t think federal recognition is the way to go. Why? Because technically and legally, the U.S. does not have the right to do so. In no way does it make sense to illegally annex the Kingdom of Hawaiʻi and more than 120 years later say “well, here’s a paper that says we recognize you as a tribe of indigenous peoples, but you can’t have your nation back. Welp, sorry.” Here’s a photo by Noʻeau Peralto with the lyrics from the famous “Mele ʻAi Pōhaku (Kaulana Nā Pua).” The song is the simplest form of Hawaiian resistance to U.S. annexation that resounds throughout time. I am not Hawaiian by blood, but the Hawaiian kingdom at the time of the overthrow was multicultured — not monocultured. I may not know all the laws that are involved, but I do know right from wrong; and what the U.S. is doing is absolutely wrong.

If you’ve been paying attention to the news, the U.S. Federal Government has been holding meetings to allow Hawaiʻi residents to share their thoughts on federal recognition on the Kingdom of Hawaiʻi. Personally, I don’t think federal recognition is the way to go. Why? Because technically and legally, the U.S. does not have the right to do so. In no way does it make sense to illegally annex the Kingdom of Hawaiʻi and more than 120 years later say “well, here’s a paper that says we recognize you as a tribe of indigenous peoples, but you can’t have your nation back. Welp, sorry.” Here’s a photo by Noʻeau Peralto with the lyrics from the famous “Mele ʻAi Pōhaku (Kaulana Nā Pua).” The song is the simplest form of Hawaiian resistance to U.S. annexation that resounds throughout time. I am not Hawaiian by blood, but the Hawaiian kingdom at the time of the overthrow was multicultured — not monocultured. I may not know all the laws that are involved, but I do know right from wrong; and what the U.S. is doing is absolutely wrong.

University of Oregon

It has been almost four years since I was devastated that I couldn’t go to UO, since it was more than $50,000 per year. But now, I can go. If I can’t get a job… I’ll be going there so long as:

  1. I get accepted
  2. I don’t have a real job.

The program is literally ONE year long (meaning I could get my master’s degree within a year) and it costs just as much as it does for a year of my undergrad degree at UH Manoa.

I’ve done my research. I’ve found a place to stay in a safe neighborhood. I just need to get accepted and not have a job… I would much rather have a job, but if I don’t have one, then my dream school it is!

To be quite honest, I have a travel bug that I absolutely cannot shake and I’ve been feeling it since February this year. I need to fly somewhere — anywhere.

I didn’t know it was possible for me to hate my mom EVEN more.

She told my dad he has CANCER. SHE ISN’T EVEN A FUCKING DOCTOR. SHE IS A FUCKING THERAPIST…NOWHERE NEAR A FUCKING DOCTOR. IN FACT, SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A DEGREE HIGHER THAN A BACHELOR’S! HOW THE FUCK. THAT’S LIKE ME DIAGNOSING SOMEONE WITH LIVER DISEASE. NO. YOU DON’T DO THAT. FUCK THAT SHIT. I didn’t think I could hate her anymore, but there it is… it literally just happened today.